Nature's Porn
Nature can be so sexy. A few years ago I saw a video of snakes mating, and it was the best porn I'd ever seen. It was so sensual and slithery and good. Then last night on TV I saw some big-ass giant spiders having sex, and not only was it interesting, it was kinda hot. I hate creepy, giant, hairy spiders more than just about anything, but when they described what was going on with these two super-sized boinking tarantulas, I was turned on physically as well as intellectually.
When male tarantulas get horny, the spin themselves a nice silky "sperm web" and rub themselves all over it. When he's finished, he'll suck up the spooge with his two little feelers and go looking for some real love. When he finds a willing she-tarantula, he carefully plays a few games of footsie with her until she rears back into threat pose. Since one bite from her can kill, he's equipped with "mating hooks" on his two front legs, which hold her dangerous fangs out of the way. Quickly, he'll run up and ram his hooks into her mouth. Then he is safe to explore her abdomen, searching for her "epigastric furrow." When he finds it, he slips one of his cum soaked feelers inside.
This can last anywhere from a few seconds to a few hours, but when he's done, he's done, and he runs away as fast as he can. About half of them don't make it out alive.
Ahhh. Precious, romantic, dangerous nature. I love it.
If only I could write porn.
4 comments:
bleah, gross, spiders are disgusting no matter what, sorry if you disagree but I hate spiders the most
So you want to write porn involving "sperm webs" and "epigastric furrows," in which roughly half of the male actors die?
Hmm. It might just work. Couldn't be weirder than bukkake.
I do think spiders are disgusting. It was pretty gross just seeing them on the tv, but the danger involved during the mating process was fascinating so I kept watching.
I was going to put up a picture of a real one here, but it was tooo sickening to look at.
So Eric, you have seen German Goo Girls! Did you ever include bukkake in any of your "adult film screenwriting"?
I do think I'd like to write a porn screenplay just like you described, with sperm webs and all. Maybe we could get some people to dress up like giant spiders even. I know just the person for the male role.
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