Fermented Milk Product

We all had Thai lunch together at the office today, one of my favorite meals. We like it spicy and spicy it was! In fact, it was so spicy, our designer could barely eat it and wanted yogurt. Yogurt? Yeah. Here's what I learned:

Yogurt helps tame the spice burn. There are several dishes made from yogurt for this very purpose. Thair Shadam, or Thayir sadaam, is a yogurt-rice course. It might come with hot pickles. Hot Pickles? Mmmm. (Wouldn't that defeat the purpose though?) Dahi is what they serve with Indian food. Raita is fresh yogurt with spices, cucumber, onions and tomatoes.

I had no idea. I guess they only serve it to wimps.

Sex

I didn't learn

today.

But I got your attention using "Sex" for a title, didn't I?

Things To Do at Burning Man

My excellent friend called me yesterday on his way to Burning Man (he does this every year), and (once again) I'm still here, living vicariously through the website. One of these years...
Here are some things I learned today, that you can do this year:

• Get married by a whore
• Have a sacred sexual massage ( if you're a woman)
• Build a home with Legos
• Treasure hunt for a Pee Funnel
• Play "Weird Poker", where you make up the game as you go
• Get a free pair of panties
• Ride tricycles on a figure 8 track
• Give your feet a vinegar foot wash
• Enjoy a blowjob on a stick
• Learn to snort Vodka
• Play on a Slip n Slide
• Adopt a Gnome
• Get your carcass washed by other humans
• Learn some good old fashioned pole dancing
• Get flogged
• Take a fire breathing class

And so much more.... It makes getting up and going to work this week even harder. I hope he brings me some pictures. At least!

The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly

I think I'll start with The Bad Crap that I learned today.

The stupid people who's house I was going to buy, accepted the other offer. Hmph.
I'm sorry for calling them stupid. I'm just poopy. And they must be dumb. Ok, sorry again.

The Good News is:

I have $85!
Woo hoo! I thought I was in the hole a few hundred bucks and that was why I kept getting "Credit card failed" e-mails from my website host.

And The Ugly would be:

I have to switch my website host because, yet again, there was a "glitch in the system", which "suspended" my website due to an incorrect failed credit card error even though my quarterly bill isn't due until next month, and I have 85 bucks in my account even if it were due right now.
Hand over that 44 pistola, would ya Clint?

Full-Court What?

At 9 freaking AM this morning, Sunday morning mind you, my realtor calls both of my phones to wake me up and tell me someone is about to make an offer on the house that I want. The one I was just dreaming about when the phone jerked me awake. E-gads, now what? I want that house, damn it! Last month I swear he said it was a buyers market. Whatever. Anyway, his suggestion was to put in an offer immediately, at more than the asking price, with a short 2 week contingency on selling my house, and "We'll put on a Full-Court Press". Ehm, excuse me? A what? When I said I've never heard this expression, this is what I learned:

A Full-Court Press is a basketball term, referring to a desparate manuever where the entire defense puts intense pressure on the offense the full length of the court, and something something something.

Wait a sec. I drank a lot of alcohol last night and it's only 9 o'clock in the morning. Weren't we just talking about my new pool? So of course I say, "And this applies to my house how?", and my lesson continued:

Figuratively, it means a vigorous attack or offensive. And in real estate, in my town, on a Sunday morning, it means wake the fuck up and start selling your house like you're Dennis Rodman.

Or something. So, anyone want to buy this cute house? It's on a quiet street with good neighbors, has a big backyard, a fireplace, cool hardwood floors, ......
And someday you can tell everyone you live where THE Donna Piranha (not Madonna) used to have sex on the living room floor. Right there! (See Advice From a Hedonist, down at August 10th).

Blog Before You Party

Yeah, what she said.

Calling All Planets

Due to financial cutbacks, we're going to have to let someone go. Which one of you is Pluto?
Yesterday I heard that it was Jupiter who got fired, but today I learned, it was Pluto who got the axe. Poor little guy.
The new official mnemonic will be; My Very Educated Mother Just Served Us Nothing.
Remember, you read it here first.

New Neighbors

I just learned that we have new neighbors across the street!

How exciting. And scary. Who are these people? I hope they bake us cookies. Oh wait, I guess I should be the one doing the baking. Darn. Anyone have any good recipes?
This new neighbor knowledge, (NNK), has prompted me to look up the demographics for this town. Here are some interesting things I also learned today:

• In 2003, the number of murders and homocides here was 0. That's zero.
• There are more women here than men, by about a thousand. Total population is only about 9 thousand.
  
• 93% of the people here are white, but I totally do NOT believe it. (Our new neighbors are in the .4% ethnic group, which is super refreshing.)
• The average lifetime diesel soot cancer risk is 1 in 4,900. I wondered what that number was. What it is where you live?
  

So that's it for today. It's going to be fun learning about the new peeps! More to come.

The Other Side of the Needle

An old friend called me today, crying. She's going through a really ugly divorce and needed support. I lovingly listened and sympathized through her side of the story and did my best to comfort her. I think I said the right things. I hope I made a difference.
I really want her to know that I completely and totally understand. I've been there. I've learned. I know. When you're in the middle of it, it's hard to see that it won't always be so messy and blurry and crazy. I hope I got that across at least.
I know it sounds terrible, but while I was listening to her, something good happened to me. I saw a beautiful picture of my life. 10 years ago it was me going through hell while she was enjoying her precious new baby. I wasn't jealous, but I was envious, in a positive way if that makes sense. I wished I could be in her shoes. So secure, so loved, so peaceful. I never, ever thought that I'd be sitting here, in my own cute little cozy home, with the almost greatest guy right beside me, our own little guy asleep in his little bed, after a day of listening to her seperation woes. Never. So today I guess I learned a few things.

1- Things change. Dramatically and quickly sometimes. Of course I already knew that, but this really made it obvious, like nothing ever has.
2- You really can't tell how happy people are just by looking.
3- There are no perfect relationships. There are good ones, and great ones, but none are perfect.
4- You get what you want, eventually.
5- I'm really proud, grateful and satisfied to be where I am right now.
6- It feels soooo excellent coming through the other side.

I think sometimes it's good for you to squeeze through and get a little scarred. I can't imagine if I didn't. I'm so much stronger now. And wiser. I know she will be too. I hope I can help her to see that.

Protege of Life

Today was more about practicing than learning, and since practice is part of the protege's lesson, I'd say it qualifies for "What I learned today". So today I honed my skills of taking the bull by the horns (ew, a cliche) and practiced what I love to preach. (ew again! There must be something in the water). Here's what I did:

I had confidence in myself. I put myself out there. I said, "I want this", and I made steps in the direction I want to go.

I've been taking these steps in many other areas of my life lately, but this one is HUGE for me.
I... sent an email... to someone at a major newspaper... telling her.... I want to write for her! Why not? The worst she'll say is no, right? And then I'll make the next move. I'll try again. It's better than nothing. It's better than waiting around. It's better than television.

She'll probably read this and it's not my best. Oh well, that's the way the ball bounces and the cookie crumbles. (double ew) Oh, by the way, I think this picture is supposed to be some mythological porn or something, but I like it because it's a woman with a bull, his horn in her hand and there's nothing aggressive about it.

To Moissanite or Not to Moissanite

Part of our design meeting today was spent deciding whether we should use real diamonds in our jewelry or man made one's called Moissanite. In comparisons, not even our designer could tell which was the real thing. I have absolutely zero interest in diamonds except for it's use in technology. Did you know that a diamond could be used to make a computer so fast that it would "melt the innards of todays computers"? We could have cell phones in our watches. Our grandparents could have frictionless hip replacements. It's too bad they're being wasted in ugly engagement rings. They're quite rare I hear. Anyway, I'd never heard of this Moissanite, so Rebecca, gem girl that she is, enthusiastically explained it to me.

Fifty thousand years ago a meteorite crashed into the Arizona desert and scattered fragments of itself all over the place. Some guy (I'll let you guess his name) back in the 1890's started studying this space litter and realized that the shimmering garbage was almost identical to a diamond. A hundred or so years later in the "Synthetic is better" day and age, we now have a man made version called, "We're not using it".

Well, that's my version of what she told me, and that is what I learned today.

Top Keywords

Yesterday's blog brought a lot of traffic from searches for "emo", which totally surprised me. I guess it's a more popular word than I realized. I still prefer my original meaning, but I guess that's not really the point here. Anyway, it got me curious about the things people search for, so I did a little research and found the top key words searched for on 3 of the biggest search engines. It was interesting how you quickly get a picture of the who uses what engine. Here's my summation:

Today's top 3 keywords on Google - Segolene Royal, TSA, Leiberman

Today's top 3 keywords on Yahoo! - Polly Klaas, Haley Joel Osment, Zsa Zsa Gabor

Today's top 3 keywords on Lycos - Myspace, Poker, Pamela Anderson

It appears to me that the intellectual's use Google, the sensationalist minded go to Yahoo! and the cool people are using Lycos.

Hmm. What do you use?

It's Emo, not E.M.O.

I've been hearing my older boys saying stuff like "That's so emo" or "She's totally emo" and it sorta catches me off guard. What the hell are they talking about? Those phrases make no sense to me. How can something be EMO? Isn't EMO more of a verb, or maybe more acurately, a request, than an adjective? So today I finally decided to look it up. Here's what I found on this really great website. Check it out yourself.

Urban Dictionary definitions of the new EMO

Ok, now I get it. In my own words, it's sort of like the next step up from Drama Queen. The perfect description for a few people I know.
I must be getting old though. EMO was one of my favorite things to say or to, yes, command, in high school. Does anybody else remember what it used to mean? Maybe it was a term exclusive to just my weirdo friends and myself. I'd love to hear from anybody who remembers.

BTW, this image is from a book by Dianna Cage. I haven't read it yet because I don't really need to, but maybe you should check it out.

How to Score a Ben

We all needed a drink today after work, so my boss, co-worker and I went over to a bar/restaurant downtown. We got a great table outside so we could "people watch", as my boss likes to do. We ordered, drank, talked, ordered more, talked, ate, and drank more. As we lingered over our lovely drinks and tasty snacks, we were only vaguely aware of the dinner crowd that was starting to arrive. Vaguely aware that is, until we started hearing some complaining about wanting a table. We ignored the first "Hey, I'll give you 50 bucks for that table", and continued shoveling baked brie onto our flat bread. Dum-de-dum, cheese, whisky, bread. Yum. Now, here's what I learned today:

If you go to The Swiss Hotel before 5pm on a Friday and get a cute table out front, eventually some cocky, giant guy (a local realtor in our case, coincidentally named Ben) will give you a hundred dollars if you leave and give him your coveted, red checkered table. So, drink, eat, talk and take your sweet ass time with that dipping oil, then take the money and laugh!

Now you realize I can't promise this will happen to you. And it's also possible that it could happen anywhere.

Preparation Schmeparation

At the beginning of this year, at the office where I spend most of my days, we made a pact to be more organized, efficient and prepared for the chaos that sneaks in and surrounds us. We identified our weak areas, brainstormed, got creative, and came up with some excellent ideas and procedures. We implemented our new plans and things we're going well. Then we had our first quarter review and saw that our sales were down. Not because of our new policies, but because of the changing economy, gas prices, etc. So, we re-evaluated and made some more changes, and now we're basically back to our old ways. It's August now, the pre-holiday rush is about to begin, and it's time to start preparing for the next round. But today as I was contemplating a new structure for the coming months, I stopped myself. I think I finally figured something out.

I'm wasting my time preparing for what's coming. Most likely, whatever I think is going to happen in the future, probably won't. Just take it as it comes. Expect the worst, hope for the best and get on with it.

I think it must be bad Karma to be prepared. I have this nagging feeling that had we not held these pre-planning meetings and gotten so damn prepared, sales would be higher.

Our best laid plans have gone awry.

Today is Not Tuesday

Plenty of times I've had the horrific experience of a Wednesday that felt like a Friday, and I really hate those days. It sucks when you realize that you still have 2 days to crawl through 'til the weekend. But today, this morning, in my car, I had the joyous and rare occasion of being wrong in the right direction. I thought it was Tuesday. So today, the best thing I learned was:

Today is Wednesday!

Yes! And while Wednesday is no Thursday, it's better than a Tuesday. Actually, I like Wednesday. I look forward to Wednesday. It's the only day in the 7 day week that I get to actually spend time alone. I love it.

Can somebody please write me a song about Wednesday?

Man Will Space Walk

This morning I heard on our local radio station, KSVY, that Russia, Japan and NASA can't find the original moonwalk footage. Perhaps the skeptics are genius today. I don't know about the facts or details of this story, but here's all the proof I need to know it really happened:

Neil Armstrong's Moonlanding Speech, in reverse. Click here.

This is the original "One small step.." speech played normally, and then in reverse. Can you tell what it says?

Because if it says something barely intelligible in reverse, you know it's true!
(Yes, I jacked this from Reversespeech.com. Please visit their site so I don't get arrested.)

Things I Learned in Fresno

After way too long in the car, we arrived in.... just kidding. I am NOT, I repeat, NOT, blogging about my trip to Fresno. I am, however, going to share a few things I learned in the city where I was conceived, born and then moved away from as soon as I could say, "Get me outta here!".

• "Nyob zoo" means "welcome" in, from what I can gather, a language spoken by Southeast Asians called Hmongs or Mongs. It does not mean "Net Your Own Booze at the zoo".

• "Zorro" means "fox" in Spanish. For some reason that is very funny to me. The Masked Fennec slashes tiger at Chaffee Zoo...

• Cher went to Fresno High.

• I could buy a house there 4 times the size of the one I have now for the same price.

• And lastly, my very favorite. According to my cousin, a man there feeds hundreds of pigeons daily as retailation for a ricockulous "Eminent Domain" case that has brought a Hummer dealership across the street from his home. And, due to some other dumb legality, there's nothing the desparate salesmen can do about all the pigeon shit. I love it.
  

Did you actually think this wouldn't be interesting?

Blah Blah Blah-G

For weeks now I've been rummaging through numerous Blog-O-Sphere's, searching for a good one to read and/or network with. It hasn't been a fruitful venture for me. I suppose I can understand why people want to journal their travels, but I didn't find much excitement in reading them. I can kinda get why people want to puke out what they did all day, but I don't really care unless I know them. Political rants turn me off completely, and I just don't have the time to read those long, long rambling ones. So today was my day of reckoning. Today was the final straw. Today was the day when I decided that:

Most blah-g's are as interesting as a laundromat.

Please, I beg, find me a worthy blog! Something fun and interesting and different and smart and creative!

BTW, I may not have access to a computer for a few days while I travel this weekend. (Oh darn,I won't be able to blog my boring ass trip to fabulous Fresno) This will be a good time to go back and read through my educational past month and make those comments you've been thinking about leaving....

Advice From a Hedonist

After amazing, miraculous sex in the wee hours of this morning, I came to a conclusion (among other things) about something I'd been wondering about for a few months now.Why is it that sometimes sex is sooo amazing and sometimes it's just ok? Well, I now have my own theory, which I offer as free and sound advice from the voice of experience to all of you other pleasure seekers out there.

If I have spent my day dealing with numbers, sex is good. If I've spent my day writing, sex is STUPENDOUS. Now, I'm a lover of both math and the alphabet, which is a rare condition I am told, so at first I didn't think there was any correlation between what I do at work and what I do on the living room floor. But the more deeply I looked into it, the more I realized that there is indeed a relationship. Math and numbers put me into a logical, square-ish, up-tighty mode,which is not conducive to excellent sex. Think of your crabby third grade teacher. She never had sex. Likewise, letters and words make me all flowy and happy and calm, which is perfect for getting creative, which leads to, well, if you don't know maybe you should pick up a copy of Cosmo. Anyway, I love writing and if a day spent with words equals great sex for me, I'd say my official theory is thus:

Spend your days doing what you love and you'll have excellent sex! Or, have sex on your lunch hour, which is always fantastic.

Or read Cosmo. Or all of the above.Take your pick.

Message in a Bottle

My cousin sent me a link today to a website called OceanGram. You can send a "Message in a Bottle" or you could receive one, from anywhere in the world. It's kinda fun! Here's the message I received today:

It is 11:33 PM, Monday, 07 Aug 06 here. What is where you are?
---it is Tuesday 9:26 a.m. August 8 here - USA, Tennessee
---It is 11:36 a.m. on August 8, 2006, in Phoenix, Arizona USA
---10:19 pm in california ~~MDC mama
---Its 3:33pm here, 9th Aug in England, UK.jamieoliver22

Yum, I wonder if this Jamie Oliver is the Naked Chef or whatever that guy calls himself. Anyway, here's the link. You might need to install a Flash program to use it, but it's pretty simple to do.

OceanGram

I'm not telling what message I sent...

Poor Man's Toe

Today whilst doing Spork research for a friend (yes, indeed), I learned a new word, portmanteau.

A portmanteau is a word made from combining two different words together to make a new word. Breakfast & lunch = brunch. Smoke & fog = smog. Spoon & fork = well, you know. It's from the French words "porter", (to carry) and "manteau", (a coat or cover), so you can obviously see why it's used to mean combining two words together. (Cartelduexmots must be the word for walking with your jacket in your hand.)

Is uselinfo an appropriate portmanteau? Does my favorite word, Ricockulous count as a portmanteau? What's the legal limit to how many times you can use the word portmanteau in a blog? Make up your own portmanteau and send it to me. I'd love to see one using the word portmanteau.

Stop Reading!

Nothing exciting today, but I read this quote last night and have been thinking about it today.

"Reading, after a certain age, diverts the mind too much from its creative pursuits. Any man who reads too much and uses his own brain too little falls into lazy habits of thinking." ~Albert Einstein

No wonder I'm more interested in writing than reading these days! I guess I'm a natural born genius.
Hey! Look at this picture and then look at mine. Great minds wag their tongues alike I see.

Death Proof

Today I learned that:

My idol Quentin Tarantino is working on a new film with his crazy friend Robert Rodriguez. The movie is called Grind House and will feature an hour of QT's horror movie Death Proof and an hour of Rodriguez's Planet Terror, with a fake trailer in between. It's planned to be released in December, and I can NOT wait!

Just look at that poster!

Anti-Knowledge

I ran across something today called "Anti-Knowledge". Really? Anti? Hmm. Interesting. Here's a little description:

Anti-Knowledge - (From creative science) /anti’-nä-lij/ The collective set of questions that form an antithetical structure to a subset or the sum of knowledge. The sum of questions has a yin and yang relationship with the sum of human knowledge. The dividing line between the sum of whatever.

Screw this. I'm not into anti- knowledge, I want to learn something real. So I decided to play the Ask-the-Dictionary-a-Question game where you ask an important question, open the book to any page that "feels right", close your eyes and put your finger anywhere on the page and get your answer. Except I have internet, and consequently have freed up a sizable space on my bookcase by donating my dictionary to the Goodwill. The closest book to me was The Tube Amp Book, (don't ask) which I thought would work just as well, so I asked it my important question of "What did I learn today?". Here's what I got.
"In closing I should say that my personal opinion is that I would not change a small Fender which uses 6V6s to the larger 6L6 tube.". I think that means either Anti-Knowledge rules supreme or that today I learned...

Nothing.

Sorry to disappoint you. It's early and I have a long night of relaxing ahead of me, consequenting in the collective set of answers that form an antithetical structure to a subset of the sum of knowledge...

I should also say that playing this game is not my usual means of learning for the day.

Random Iguana Fact

Did you know:

Male iguana's have two penises?

Neither did I until today. There's about a million things I could say about that, but I'll just think them instead. Can you believe that's the only thing I learned today?

For more iguana penis info, Iguana Sex Toys

Beware the Ole Bark Cover-Up

"A few days" have turned into a few weeks now, in prepping my house to "put on the market". I started out thinking, "No biggie, we'll just finish painting the living room and clean up the backyard". Well, let that be a lesson to you. I've already learned the hard way. Anyway, today I learned a new trick. I'm sure it's an old trick, but I'm a new dog.

Shredded bark does for your yard what paint does for, in my case, everything else. There's a saying running through my head, my own twisted twist on something an old friend once said, "A little bit of bark can hide a multitude of sins". How true it is. As I was spreading the splintery crap around my precious new Impatients today, I started feeling the same sense of satisfaction I get when framing one of my photographs. It's amazing what the right frame does for an image. That's what bark will do for a crappy yard! It's amazing how much better my yard looks now. And it was sooooo easyyyy! Why didn't I do this years ago?

This isn't my yard, but I found this image on www.Thriftyfun.com and had to share it, just so I can say Thrifty fun. Thrifty. Fun. Hmm.

There is of course, a flip side. I did notice as we were "house hunting" (and believe me, hunt is the right word here, as it's every bit as brutal and gory.) , a lot of yards covered in bark. I actually lost interest in a great house because of the "bark factor", even before I was wisened to the trick.

Beware the ole bark cover-up she says.

Earthquake!

Crap! We just had an earthquake! It was only 4.4, but it was really close and it was scary. My lesson for today is:

It's time to get prepared for the BIG ONE!

Here's a good site for more information on earthquake preparedness. Click here.

One Red Paperclip

Since I usually don't keep up with the news, I'm pretty sure I'm about a year behind on this one and you've more than likely heard all about it, but, I am completely amazed, inspired and in love with this idea. I found it today on a blog search. It's by a guy who trades a paperclip for a house. Check it out yourself.

One Red Paperclip

I'm seriously considering trading my job for an island. Think I can do it?