Academy Award Winning Answers

Well, it's the Academy Awards night, and while I totally love watching movies as well as making small dumb ones, I don't really care who wins what tonight. I don't know why, but I've just never been interested. I know what movies I like, and that's all that matters to me.
It would have been fun to go to the big party put on by our local film festival this evening, but I just don't have the dress I imagined making my fabulous grand entrance in. Anyway, since I know basically nothing about these particular awards, I thought tonight would be a good time to learn something.

The first thing I want to know is, who exactly votes?

Voting is done by the 5,830 members of the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences (AMPAS). Sciences?

Who are these 5,830 peeps?

Well, that's a secret. Members are not publically disclosed, but Sid Ganis is the President, Tom Hanks is the Vice President, and Kathy Bates is the Secretary. I just found out that one of the 42 or so people on the Board of Governors is a local guy I see driving around town all the time.

How can I become member of AMPAS?

I'd have to be invited by a member, and then I think all the other members have to agree. I could also just win an Academy Award which would give me an automatic entry.

Are the voters required to watch the movie they vote on?

No. Can you believe that?

Why is the award statue called an "Oscar"?

First off, it's a statuette you moron. Don't you know anything? And secondly, there is no clear answer. Some say that Bette Davis named it after her first husband Harmon Oscar Nelson, and some say an AMPAS librarian once remarked that the statuette reminded her of her Uncle Oscar.

Is the Oscar statuette really made of solid gold?

Ha.
Ha ha.
Hahahahahahaha!
NO. It's 92.5% tin and 7.5% copper, with a gold plating. Gold plate.
And it weighs 8.5 lbs if that was your next question.

How much could Kate Winslet get for the one she's going to win tonight? I haven't seen the movie, but I like her so she should win.

Well, believe it or not, $1.00. That's it. One US Dollar. Winners can only take Oscar home with them if they agree not to sell it to anyone without first offering to sell it back to the Academy for a buck. And you know what that means.

Why is the event always hosted by a comedian or comedienne?

Because A- It would be boring as shit if some regular schmuck had to stand up there droning bullshit for hours and hours.

Because B- Funny people NEVER win. They get asked to work that night so they don't feel left out.

Why are the Awards now held in February?

Because February is "sweeps" month and more than a billion people are tuned in to ABC right now, that's why.

So, that's all I care to know about the Academy Awards.

And to the President of AMPAS, who blessed us with such, um, award winning flicks as Big Daddy, Mr. Deeds, and Deuce Bigalow: Male Gigolo, for using his "talent" to help decide who wins tonight, I award my Oscar:






Good night.