Discovery Kingdom Indeed

I think the flat tire this morning should have been heeded as a warning to stay home today. But no, Miss Persistent and Determined had the nail pulled out and the hole repaired so 3/5ths of her family could be 5 dollared to death at a "Theme Park," or whatever Marine World, I mean Six Flags, I mean Discovery Kingdom qualifies as. It should be called Six Minutes, which is exactly how long it took me to remember why I don't go to places like that anymore. The people, the lines, the ricockulous prices. After the second ride, which lasted about 1/10th the time it took to wait in line to get on it, I started questioning the intellectual capabilities of the employees whom I just entrusted with the life of my baby. What kind of questions does this place ask during the hiring process these days?
Wait, I don't want to get into this right now. What I want to get into, or onto or under or something, is the shark. THE shark, in the Shark Attack, underwater exhibit thing.
Wow.
I thought the thing had legs. Seriously. I was confused. (wow, i haven't heard that phrase in a while.) I honestly (really, truly, not kidding) thought this was a walking species of sharks that I'd never heard of because I don't really pay much attention to trendy, blown out of proportion scary things. See this picture here? That's nothing. The shark I fell in love with, which was called a Longnose Sawshark, was the Ron Jeremy of the giant aquarium. Which reminds me of a new favorite blog I found, Weird Meat. Go spend some time there. Anyway, when I came out of my stupor, I realized it was pretty unlikely that this shark could walk on land and that these were probably just his extra giant reproductive organs. Plural. Double. Dos. Two.
But, I wanted to be sure, so I came home and immediately image searched "shark penis," which wasn't as interesting as it sounds.

My gentle giant's "legs" were in fact, a dual set of peni called "claspers."

I'm starting to feel like I should be doing a blog titled, "Weird and Hot Ways Animals Get Laid." Check out my spider sex lesson, and lobster love and you'll see what I mean. I wonder if I could make a career out of it?

Ok, I'm done with what I learned today, but I somehow feel the need to blahhg about how the power went out a few hours before the park closed, and how we all had to leave early, and how I'll never forget the look of "Now what?" on all the newly freed faces leaving the turnstiles, and being caught in the fleeing crowd with the feeling of marching in Exodus through the hot and dry land of Vallejo, California, with 40 lbs strapped to my back while I tortured my 3-day chain smoked lungs uphill to our $15 parking space Six Miles away.
Wow. I think I need another cigarette.