Speaking of Brains...

I read an interesting article today about how being a mom makes you smarter. You can read it here yourself if you're interested. In this article, I read about a brain study I found intriguing.

Some swiss scientists did some comparing of the brains of parents, and the brains of lucky bastards without kids. They found that the brains of parents WITH kids were more active when they heard a baby CRY. The brains of those fortunate enough to have never heard a baby cry at 3am for the fourth month in a row, had brains more active when hearing a baby LAUGH.

I think it's interesting (seriously) that there is a definite brain change after having kids. More proof that the minds of parents differ from the minds of the bored and lonely.

Another brain lesson today is from a warning posted in the New York Times by Kentucky doctors.

People should not eat squirrel brains, which are a Kentucky regional delicacy. Squirrel brains can have something like Mad Squirrel Disease which can be fatal to humans. 11 "squirrel brain eaters" have been diagnosed with spongiform encephalopathy and 6 of them died. Normally only one person in 10 years dies from eating squirrel brain.


I say, if you're gonna eat squirrel brain, better that you should be taken out of the gene pool. Eat up! And please, I don't want to hear how squirrel is "good eatin".

I also read today about a monkey brain that operated a machine through a computer.

It appears that someone hooked a monkey's brain up to a computer, that was hooked up to another computer that was hooked up to a mechanical arm. When the "animal" reached for a banana, the brain waves transfered to the robot arm and caused it to also reach for a banana.

It's old news from 6 years ago so I'm sure there have been advancements since then, but I'm too tired to look it up right now. I thought it was interesting though, and the possibilites are endless.

Do you know someone who falls asleep at inopportune moments? Then perhaps you should get them one of these.


It's a Brain Buzzer. Whenever you feel like your about to fall asleep, like right now, just bite on the vibrating wand and the vibrations will transmit to your brain and buzz you awake. And you won't even "aggravate your neighbors"!

Now there's a great idea. Check out more at Totally Absurd.

And the last brain thing I learned today is for those of you who are lacking one.

For a little over 16 British pounds, you can buy about 2 weeks worth. Just 2 capsules, twice a day, and you'll be as smart as me! Because "about 5% of people in the UK have some form of dementia..."

Just for you...

No Brain, No Pain

Who would have thought that I would learn something from Myspace? Well, today it happened. An actual factual lesson in a Myspace bulletin.

Lobsters do not scream in pain when you put them in boiling water. It's true that they sometimes make a screaming sound when you cook them, but the sound is actually caused from air that was trapped inside the poor little guys body, escaping as it heats up. Besides, its impossible to scream without a throat, vocal cords or lungs. And to feel pain you need a brain, and like certain high ranking US government officials, lobsters are scarce on grey matter.

Thanks to Justin-Thyme Personal Chefs in Orlando Florida for posting that informative bulletin today.
I could use a new personal chef. Whadda ya say Justin? Interested in moving to the wine country? You'd be great here.

Jordan Almonds

Normally, I dread baby showers and avoid them with any lame excuse I can think up. There's only so much I can take of those dumb diaper games and oh-so-cute baby clothes. Maybe it's just because I've had kids for so long, but I find myself honestly asking, "Are people still having babies?". It's exhausting for me to even think about . But people are still having babies and they're still getting all excited about little booties and clever names. I feel sorry for them with their high expectations and idealistic visions. It's never what you think it is. I'm not saying it's all crap, but first time parents think it's all going to be pink and fluffy and perfect. I almost can't bear to look them in the eye or have conversation with them, as I don't want to be the one who breaks the sparkly spell. Not that I could. I also don't want the question, "Why didn't you tell me?" to be directed at me one more time.
Anyway, today I went to the first of two baby showers I'm invited to this month and surprisingly, I had a pretty good time. It was a "high tea" at a prestigious spa/resort here in our snobby little wine country, and it was rather pleasant. Fancy tea, tasty little sandwiches, and the cutest sugar cubes I've ever seen. And tucked into a little pink tissue paper bootie at my place setting, were the cutest Jordan almonds. I can't believe I just said that. While ol' preggo Anea was carefully opening her mountain of adorable gifts, I started wondering about these weird things called Jordan almonds. So I snuck out the back door and came home to Google them.

Jordan almonds are named after a variety of almonds originally grown along the Jordan River in Palestine characterized by long, thin, slender, rather smooth kernels in thick, heavy shells. The shape of these nuts make them ideal for the 4 day process of sugar coating. The reason these confections, or "confetti" are used at weddings, is to symbolize the bittersweetness of marriage. Bitter almonds on the inside, sweet sugar coating on the outside. Yes. Indeed.
Typically 5 almonds are used in each party favor, to represent 5 wishes for the new couple; health, wealth, happiness, fertility and longevity.

I don't know what it means to decorate them like cute little babies and use them at a baby shower, except perhaps that the hostess has too much free time. Or a lot of crazy friends.

Paintball Jungle

Now I know what paintballing is all about!

I'm still sore. There are at least 3 big, perfectly round, red welts at random locations on my body. One has started to bruise already. Battle scars! I knew it was going to be fun, but I had no idea. It was thrilling! There were a bunch of strangers with guns, turned against each other in the middle of a huge Eucalyptus forest. The fear of being shot was nothing compared to the thrill of the hunt. I can't wait until I'm really good at it.

Even though almost as soon as one game ended another began, I still couldn't get enough. The only thing I didn't like was how limited my vision was by that smelly mask. The pungent boy odor on my unwashed and well used protective gear didn't bug me as much as having to stop for a de-fog. And lunch break was way too long.

I also learned that those gross looking welts don't hurt as bad as they look, and to believe my son when he says shots to the head are no big deal. I got a nice loud pink one early on. It's the shots to the fingers that kill.

Phallic Phriday

According to: an email this morning from my partner in crime,

These dog treat things shown here are called Bully Sticks and are actually made from dried bull penii. The website description reads,
"These lightly smoked, natural beef muscles become chewy when wet and provide a natural way to clean teeth. 100% digestible."
100% disgusting.

According to: the Bull Breeding Soundness Examination, an adequate length of a bulls penis is that it should reach almost between the front legs during full erection and extention.

According to: Wikipedia, the proper plural form of penis is penises. But I prefer penii.
And, the word penis originates from the Latin word for tail.

T.G.I.P.

Lost Without Lost

I just sat down to get my weekly thrill on the computer, when, to my complete and utter hell, I learned...

There is no Lost this week!

Now I remember that Rebecca told me that there wasn't going to be anymore new ones until February. WTF?? I have to wait until then to see what happens with the Sawyer (yummm), Kate, Jack triangle?

I know. I sound ricockulous, going on about a TV show. I don't even watch television, that's why I use the computer. But somehow (by Sawyer and Echo most likely) I got sucked in. Not since the Soprano's prompted me to get cable have I been lost on a freakin' TV drama.

Shoot me.

Eair Heh

I was wandering aimlessly around the office today, whimpering with abdominal pain. After finding no sympathies or relief anywhere, I worked my way down to the part time high school girl, who unbelievably, understood me! She said she had watched an interesting show on Oprah the other day about this woman who claims to have discovered the five words that all babies around the world speak. My daily lesson bell went off and I asked her to tell me all about it.

This woman Priscilla (what the fuck kind of name is that?) says that all babies have the same reflexes and therefore make the same sounds, which she is calling words. Here they are:

Neh = "I'm hungry"
Owh = "I'm sleepy"
Heh = "I'm experiencing discomfort"
Eair = "I have lower gas"
Eh = "I need to burp"

She also says that if parents don't respond to these reflexes, the baby will eventually stop using them.

It's true. They start using things like, "Where's my fucking dinner?", "I cut first period because I was already late", and "Look at these paintball welts!".

Eair heh. Eair heh! Eair HEH!! Eh. Owh.

Content Determines the Shape

Today I learned about:

A "functional" wine glass.
Supposedly the Riedel glass makers create "a true zest for life out of the versatile material of glass". As quoted from the wine snob of wine snobs, Robert Parker (well Jr. anyway): "The finest glasses for both technical and hedonistic purposes are those made by Riedel. The effect of these glasses on fine wine is profound. I cannot emphasize enough what a difference they make."
I think I need to just copy and paste more about it. It's too perfect to re-write. I'm going to bold the places where I laugh.

"Professor Claus J. Riedel was the first designer to recognize that the bouquet, taste, balance and finish of wines are affected by the shape of the glass from which they are drunk. Working with experienced tasters, Riedel discovered that wine enjoyed from his glasses showed more depth and better balance than when served in other glasses. Before this, conventional stemware had used a single basic bowl shape, with only the size varying depending on use. A glass was born that turns a sip into a celebration – a wine’s best friend – fine-tuned to match the grape! "

I actually find this very interesting, and I even believe the guy has a point. It makes some kind of sense in my mind. Some day when I'm old enough to drink wine, I'm only going to use an authentic Riedel for my tasting pleasure.

I also learned today that I have an adductor magnus. I thought I pulled a vagina muscle, but now I know the real name of it. And it hurts. Ow.
But I still went to Asskickboxing anyway, and it feels a little better now. It's going to feel even better in an hour or so.... I hope.

FuCCk Regulations

Yes, you can say one of my favorite words on the radio!

As long as it's after 10pm and before 6am.

Apt Pupil

The only true wisdom is in knowing you know nothing. ~ Socrates

I know nothing.

Hoover Damn!

The Hoover Dam was built with enough concrete to pave a 4 foot wide sidewalk around the equator. That's over 24 thousand miles!

Dam-n, that's a lot of crack! I mean concrete.

Paraiba Tourmaline

One of the best parts of my job is dealing with gemstones. Checking them for quality can be a pain in the ass, but I've always gotten a little thrill at seeing them spread out all over my desk. I don't do as much stone checking as I used to, and quite frankly I'm glad about that. But our new Spring line is full of new colors and I can't wait to start seeing more of them.
My favorite new gemstone is called Paraiba, pa-ree-ba. It's a beautiful blue-green Tourmaline that I can't stop looking at, even though the ones we have are fake. The color is amazing.
My boss and I had an excited conversation about this stone today, and I learned a bit more about it.

Paraiba is the name of the state in Brazil where, in the late 1980's, this stone was first discovered, at a place called Mina da Bathalha, Mine of the Battle. It's a tiny little town, and the only place in the world where this stone can be found. There have indeed been many battles over the rights to this mine. Because of the small size of the crystals, the difficulty mining them, and the fact that they can only be found in one small area, real Paraiba Tourmaline can start at thousands of dollars and up to 20 grand per carat.

That's why we're using a heat treated, dyed topaz instead. They look almost exactly the same.

You Tube Expert

Today I learned how to upload a video to You Tube.
I made this little movie last December.
I don't even really like Christmas, but it was a fun way to spend a couple of hours.
I'm sorry it's not Christmas yet, but I wanted to get it out there.

The Amazing Aroma Reflexes of a Former Housewife

The "cleaning lady" came to the office today, to do her magic while we tried to do ours. It's pretty irritating trying to use your desk while someone is dusting it, or talk on the phone while the floor is being vacuumed. It's even more irritating if something goes wrong with the vacuum cleaner and it start smelling like burnt rubber. It's even more more irritating when I have to stop my meeting with my boss and try to figure out what's wrong with the damn thing. What the fuck do I know about a vacuum cleaner? I haven't used one in so long that I can't even remember how long it's been.
So there we were, four of us, standing there looking at it. I swear we must have looked exactly like this picture here, titled Four Nervous Monkeys on a Dead Car, by William B. Montgomery. Then my boss and I are down on the floor, suddenly wearing new hats. Instead of trying to figure out how much silver to buy, we are now retarded small appliance repair men. women. people. whatever is PC these days. I felt like a monkey with a new object thrown in my cage. Hey, this isn't a banana! Let's poke it and see what it does.
Slowly, the nasty smell awakens vague memories of my past life as a wife.
This... happened.... once..... before. I think. Yes, something got sucked up. Hairy roller thingy stopped spinning. Rubber belt melted.
Suddenly I knew what to do but I didn't know how to do it. This machine was a stranger. I didn't know any of it's secrets yet, let alone how to get in it's pants. But, as in most puzzling situations I find myself in, with thrilling frequency I might add, I used logic. Yes.
And now, here it is.

Today I learned how to get to the internal organs of our office vacuum cleaner. And fix it.

All we had to do was unwind miles of hair. Luckily the belt was just dandy fine.

Front Jump Kick Your ASS!

Even though I was totally tired, I went to Asskickboxing anyway. I was sloppy because I had very little energy, but I learned something new today.

I can (barely) do a Front Jump Kick! Exactly like this picture here. Just kidding. Not quite exactly. But I get the basic concept and I made that kick board SMACK!

I can't wait to go again on Thursday!

Green Guilt

Well, I had to call in sick today. I rarely ever do it. Usually if I feel like shit I'll go in and tell myself I'm only working a few hours, then end up spending most of the day there. But there are days like today when I really needed a full-on sick day. I could use one tomorrow too, but I'll probaby just go in for a few hours....
Anyway, being sick isn't the best learning environment, so I didn't really learn anything today. There is something I wish I could learn though.

How do I spend a sick day at home without feeling guilty, even when I'm completely sick?

I always feel bad when someone else has to do some of my work. I'm sure that everyone manages just fine without me, but I hate that other people might be having a harder day at work without me there. Plus I really dread being a day behind when I get back, especially when I know I'll be feeling slow and crappy.
My body knows I was really actually factually sick and my brain knows I needed and deserved the day for rest, but my heart or something doesn't seem to get it.

Some People Think it's Funny but it's Really Dark and Runny....

...Diarrhea. And yes, why do I vomit? I've been wondering that all day. I'm too exhausted to look it up right now, but expect it in the near future.

So I spent my precious Sunday sick as crap and I suppose if I learned anything at all, it's gotta be this:

If you're around a bunch of sick people and you're starting to feel sick yourself, don't eat chili for dinner. Or peach cobbler for dessert. Try something bland and without chunks.

Oh, and I made up a new word today.

Pooking. It's a pormanteau of pooing and puking at the same time. I also would have made up Shart today if my cousin hadn't already.

My whole body hurts. I hate being sick. And tomorrow's Monday. Who votes I stay home from work?

Crawling Towards the Darkness

I think I figured out why my eyes hurt.

It's from the fumes of Hell I just found myself wandering around in. A few hours ago I was at the grocery store when I suddenly felt like someone did a side kick to my gut. (not just any kick mind you, but a side kick. important difference) An hour or so later my neck was stiff, my nose was stuffy and I could barely move. Now I'm freezing to death.

My "baby daddy" just dragged me out of bed for some blogging and other act-shon, but here's a bonus; I'll tell you what he's going to learn today too.

Ain't happnen.

Going back to bed now.

Wait! I just realized my Friday blog is missing!! It was there last night!
WHAT THE FUCK?
Here it is again. Grrr. Luckily I saved it since Blogger was having issues. Grrr again. Really must be Big Brother. It better show up again soon.

Mine Eyes Have Seen the Glory

My eyes have been burning for a few days and I have no idea why. I thought at first it was the sweat that poured into them during yoga on Wednesday. Then yesterday I thought it might have something to do with my mascara. So today I didn't go to yoga and I let my eyelashes run naked, but my eyesballs are still on fire. My friend and co-worker Rebecca suggested I look it up and find out what's going on. So through my squinty blazing balls, eyes that is, I read about eye allergies. Besides learning that I should remove whatever is causing the allergy, (uh, yeah, and "Contents may be extremely hot") I learned two things I didn't know already.

Cocksfoot is a type of grass. A "tussocky perennial grass" and it's "able to persist better than phalaris on acidic soil". Better than a penis on acid? Yow.

Anophthalmos is the absence of one or both eyes. Finally, I know the official word for that.

I'm trying to upload a picture of GW Bush, but Blogger is experiencing technical difficulties. Or maybe Big Brother doesn't think it's funny that the absence of eyes and the word cocksfoot reminds me of our "leader".

Another Vegas Excuse

The other night while I was using my kid to collect free candy for me, my co-Diva Miss Lala called to tell me why we're going to Vegas again. As if we need a reason. But this evening, I decided I had to look more into the impending implosion of the Stardust.

Yesterday one of the oldest hotel/casinos on The Strip closed for good. In March of next year, it will be imploded so the owners can build a newer, better attraction called Echelon Place. It sounds pretty cool.

Yah yah yah, another casino in Vegas right? I'm kinda sentimental and I'd love to see the old place stay, but, crap, an implosion! I can't miss that! Plus this new place is going to be pretty neato keeno. I'll just go over to old town on Fremont Street if I feel nostalgic.
So you know where we'll be next March. I don't know if I can wait that long!
If anyone can tell me the EXACT date and time of this spectacular implosion, I'd be grateful beyond Red Bull and Vodka.

The Old Man Is Snoring

When I let the cat out just now, I saw that it's raining!

I thought it would be a good long year before I was happy to see the drippy stuff again, but it was a nice surprise. So I sat out on the front porch with our cute little candle-lit, home grown Jack o'Lanterns and watched it come down in the glow of the streetlight for a while.
Maybe I'm just in a good mood because of yoga today, which always makes me feel great for days. Or maybe I'm happy because I just read my second column in our local paper, which is really satisfying. Or it could be the floor polishing I just did with my back. I guess it doesn't really matter, I'm just happy that I'm happy about it.